How to Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship

You know how the story goes: you meet someone, you have butterflies in your stomach, you fall in love, and the passion and chemistry is undeniable. As time goes on, your bond grows deeper and stronger, but as you become more comfortable with each other, the romance and passion die down and your relationship turns more into a friendship. The lust and intimacy fizzles. Even though you love your partner, you miss the romance and passion. How do you rekindle that spark? Is it even possible to have comfort, trust, and romance? 

Misconceptions About Sexual And Emotional Intimacy

There are many misconceptions about what a long-term/committed relationship should look like. Some people believe that if you have that initial spark with someone, that it will last forever. Others believe that intimacy will last forever without having to put in the work. There also tends to be high expectations about sexual chemistry – that you both always have to be “in the mood” at the same time and if you’re not, there’s something wrong. That lack of intimacy makes you think your relationship is broken.

We all have a tendency to react off of expectations, which can be tough to get around. We naturally blame ourselves and ask, “What did I do wrong?” “What did I do to cause this?” or “What could I have done differently?” These misconceptions and high expectations get in the way of exploring intimacy with our partner. Some people fear that bringing up the lack of sexual and emotional intimacy with their partner will make the whole relationship unravel. Perhaps you worry that you’ll hurt your partner’s feelings if you bring it up, or worse, it could end the relationship. You might be thinking that it’s better not to bring it up at all, even though you want to feel loved that way. We have this idea that sexual and emotional intimacy are just there or not, and there’s nothing we can do about it. 

Intimacy is a journey with your partner.

It’s important to continue to do the things that feed your relationship. Intimacy changes over time and we have the ability to nourish it so it doesn’t just fizzle out. When we move away from the idea that we’re stuck in boxes of not good enough, we can shift towards getting your and your partner’s needs met so the relationship can bloom and grow.

Tips for Improving Intimacy

One of the biggest obstacles to improving intimacy is a lack of communication. If you and your partner want to reconnect and improve both emotional and physical intimacy, it’s important to bridge the gap of communication. Here are some things you can do with your partner to break the ice and connect with each other so you can have a caring and intimate relationship.

Emotional Intimacy:

• While lying down next to each other, turn and face each other wearing intimate clothing (such as underwear and a top). Spend 10-15 minutes caressing your partner’s legs, arms, abdominal sides, neck, chin, ears, and hands only with your fingertips. Then switch and have your partner do the same to you. Playing soft music (spa, classical, or meditation music) or nature sounds (ocean waves, rain, campfire, etc,) can be helpful.
• Sit or lie down, and tell your partner your top 5-7 favorite qualities/attributes you admire about them and why, as well as why that quality or attribute is important to you. While naming the qualities, don’t lose eye contact and be authentic and vulnerable. Each person names one quality at a time, alternating.
• Tell each other about your fantasy date and hold hands while you describe the scene you would like to happen. Perhaps surprise each other with those fantasy dates if possible. 
• Give each other massages for at least 15 minutes each and discuss a topic that the person getting massaged wants to talk about.
• Make a meal together or a dessert where the couple can both participate in the preparation of the food (like smooshing tomatoes in the same bowl or kneading the dough) and the cooking (stirring together or pouring batter into a cupcake pan – one person holding the pan and the other pouring).

Sexual Intimacy:

• Set up a body paint and wine night where you both wear only a small top and/or shorts/underwear. Paint symbols or words that you feel best describes your partner onto them, or paint your partner in a way that expresses them in a sensual way.
• Play scrabble with only naughty words.
• Get sexy dare dice and act out what the dice say when you roll them.
• Tell each other your sexual fantasy and role play the fantasy if possible.
• Dress up with outfits/wigs/makeup that best fits your partner’s fantasy.
• Play strip poker.
• Have a sexy photo shoot.
• Give each other massages and allow it to turn more physically intimate.

These tips for improving both emotional and sexual intimacy can help you get more in tune with each other’s needs and desires. You can continue to explore these as time goes on and together, come up with new ways of exploring intimacy. 

If you live in California and are struggling with your relationship, you don’t have to be afraid to ask for help. I know it can be scary to admit (to yourself and your partner) that you want more from the relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t build the relationship you want with your partner. Contact Jacqueline to learn how to nurture an intimate relationship.